I haven't been around at all since my last post. My intent was to get this blog back up and running and do the writing thing we all know I love so much. That hasn't been much of a possibility. I will explain why, but first let me give a little warning; below is some very sensitive information. I am sharing this because those that read my entries are some I hold dear and I know they will support me in this difficult time. But be warned that it is not something to read if you have anything against medical anything. I won't go into vivid detail, of course, but just in case you have an over-active imagination, this is me warning you.
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So I'll just get right to it; I'm engaged (it happened on the 22nd of September, my birthday) and we are very happy. We've scheduled our wedding and started all of that fun stuff. He has a daughter from a previous relationship, and with all my heart, that little girl is my child and love. Her mother is still in her life, and I would never change that, but she calls me Momma and I couldn't be happier about it. But my fiancee and I have decided we want children of our own, as well.
In October, I found out I was pregnant. It was a joyous time, and we were so extremely happy. We decided to wait to announce it, because we wanted to know the due date and everything before we did. Then tragedy hit, and I was rushed to the hospital one morning with some bleeding. We were told, after 3hrs of tests, that I was on the verge of a miscarriage. I was sent home with strict orders not to work (I had started a job at the end of September in a childcare facility) and to stay in bed as much as possible. This in itself was hard, not knowing when I was going to lose my child, or how long it would take for me to be able to get back to work. It made bills difficult, of course, but emotionally I was a wreck.
I lost the baby, and started seeing an OBGYN to make sure everything was okay with me. That's when we found out I was pregnant with twins. I had lost the first, and the second was actually ectopic (stuck in my fallopian tube). The joy from knowing I was still pregnant didn't last. Being ectopic, the second embryo needed to be terminated in order to save me from some severe problems down the road. They had to induce a miscarriage using a chemo drug (it kills fast growing cells, which is exactly what an embryo is) and the drug itself made me very ill.
I was on week three of no work, ordered by the doctor. And then they told me I no longer had a job. They needed the hands, and I wasn't available. Okay, I get that, no problem. But the catch? They reported me as having quit without notice, and informed all my former coworkers of the same. So not only was I miserable, I had lost my job and the employer had been very dishonest about the circumstances. Due to state laws, this is not something I can fight, unfortunately.
The second miscarriage came only about a week ago. It was a lot more intense than the first, and caused some emotional trauma on my end. I've been dealing with everything very poorly, as you might imagine, and find myself dropping into a bit of a depression. I am working to remedy this, but in the meantime it is DEBILITATING. I want nothing more than to lie in bed and cry my days away. I'm tired always. And I lose my patience and temper with my fiancee and that precious girl far more often than I care to admit. Yelling at those you love due to an unspoken anger is never a good or fun thing, but I can tell you now that it is worse in this situation.
I just want to go back to normal. I want to find another job, or start childcare from my home. I want my fiancee to be able to find a job. I want to be able to pay bills again and not worry about whether or not our electricity will be shut off, or if we can pay rent. Because right now? All of that is a problem. We're broke. Medical bills and rent until now have sucked our savings dry and, despite family support, we've hit rock bottom. The worst part, to me, is not being able to buy gifts for the kiddo for Christmas.
I'm honestly in a terrible place, both emotionally and physically. I want to be normal again. Normal for me, that is. And I don't know how to get there. I'm trying, I'm looking for help, but it's hard when I am unemployed and struggling with so much. My fiancee is trying, too. But, well, economy makes it more difficult.
I've set up a fundraiser thing to try to collect some support, especially now. I'm not sure what else I can do, now, aside from everything we have been doing up to this point. No one seems interested in hiring us, and I don't feel entirely interested in the world right now. It's screwed me over so much up to this point, why would it bother doing me any good, now?
Anyway. That's me and my life and why I've been so MIA for the last month or so. I'm trying so hard to bounce back to myself, but it's getting me nowhere. But I'll get back. It will just take a lot more time than I thought.
If anyone is interested, or can, the link to my fundraiser is here:
www.gofundme.com/isele8 Any bit helps, but please don't feel obligated. We'll find our way, as we always do. Everything just seems a lot harder in my current state.
I adore you all, and appreciate your never-ending love and support through the years. This has been one of the hardest things I've ever written, sharing such personal things, but I needed it somewhere and I knew this was a safe zone for me.
I hope all is well for you, my darlings, and that you are enjoying the time leading up to the Holidays. Blessed Be.